"Merey paas en ka guzra hua kal hai aur tumharey paas en ka aney wala kal!"

 It is the mash up of the year but still somehow manages to be its own film.  Karan Johar’s Student of the Year (SOTY) will remind you of at least four films: Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander, Main Hoon Na and Aisha. There’s also a bit of Rang De Basanti somewhere (rich father constantly putting down his eccentric son) and Dostana (gay principal; gay editor). However, that’s not necessarily a bad thing when a film is as entertaining as SOTY and has the vintage KJo feel to it without being a tear-jerker. Contrary to popular perception before the film’s release, SOTY is not a souped-up version of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. In fact, it did not remind me of KKHH at all, probably because the short-skirt-wearing, bag-toting girl from KKHH (played by Rani Mukerji) had a lot more brains than the equivalent character in SOTY (played by Alia Bhatt). It may be a traditional love triangle like KKHH but it carries a message and herein lays the difference: there is a point to SOTY. The film is set in a high school in Dehradun, known for its cold climate – a fact you can only tell by the clothes worn by the men but, in memory of Yash Chopra who started the trend of heroines dressing up in summer clothes regardless, I shall let that go. Every year, the school organises a competition titled Student of the Year, instituted by its principal (the super-talented Rishi Kapoor), which earns the winner an admission to an Ivy League college with a full scholarship awarded by the school. Although, in the 25^th year of its institution, the competition ends up taking a life of its own and that is what the film is about. The central characters are Rohan Nanda (Varun Dhawan, son of film-maker David Dhawan who is known for his ‘No.1’ film series) and Abhimanyu Singh (Siddharth Malhotra). Rohan is the son of business tycoon Ashok Nanda (played very well by Ram Kapoor) and tries to appear shallow in an effort to hide his pain over the fact that his father considers his dreams of becoming a rock star absurd. Abhimanyu is a hardworking, middle-class guy who earns a sports scholarship to an elite school, where he meets Rohan and Shanaya (Alia Bhatt, daughter of veteran film-maker Mahesh Bhatt) who are the school’s most popular couple. I was always a fan of KJo’s business acumen and after SOTY and his selection of these three new, completely fresh faces, I have become a believer. Siddharth is hot, hot, hot, but also really, really talented. Varun I found to be even better than Siddharth, given his superior dancing skills and earthier feel that should open him up to a variety of roles. Alia has also not done a bad job at all. Given the fact that her character is quite reminiscent of Kareena Kapoor Khan’s from K3G and Sonam Kapoor’s from Aisha, Alia comes off as effortlessly classy although, she still has to develop the oomph that Kareena had even back then. Rishi Kapoor is absolutely fantastic, and in this latter part of his career, he is shown how versatile he really is. The last film that I saw of him was Agneepath in which he played the character of a despicable drug-peddler Rauf Lala. In SOTY, he goes all the way back to his usual adorable and cuddly self. The production value, as expected, is high and makes the viewers' experience pleasant. Most jokes are actually funny, the chemistry between the two male leads is great and the film does not drag at any point. Without being preachy, SOTY has a clear message which is relevant to whatever point you are in life. It is also obvious that the production team has paid a lot of attention to characterisation as each supporting character behaves in a way that can be expected of it at any given situation. Even the female characters, despite completely useless personalities, are useful in the context of the film. One of the things that I found particularly annoying is the fact that none of the good songs are original. From Nazia Hasan’s “Disco Deewane” to Indian classic “Gulabi aankhein jo teri dekheen”, songs that are the most enjoyable are “inspired” from somewhere else. I wish Vishal-Shekhar had gone ahead and performed their magic like they did in Dostana, Anjaana Anjaani and Kurbaan. However credit should be given where it is due, the songs are very well designed and choreographed. Do go watch SOTY and if you’ve missed the quintessential KJo/Yashraj films style, you will definitely walk out happy. If you take my advice to go see it, then do leave a comment in the section below and tell me which film it reminded you of! PHOTOS: PUBLICITY Correction: The author had earlier erroneously written that Nazia Hasan's song Disco Deewane was taken without credit. The error has been corrected. Read more by Zainab here or follow her on twitter @zainabimam 

Indra Kumar followed a simple formula for success  back in the 90s. Typically, the first half of his films would be based on comedy, while the second half would be a tear jerker. David Dhawan followed a similar approach in some of his films. Additionally films like Dil, Ishq and Shola aur Shabnam were along the same lines. Karan Johar with his Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham improvised on the same formula. We can find similarities with Priyadarshan’s brand of humor as well. Then, on the turn of the millennium, Raju Hirani took this method to a whole new level. In both his Munna Bhai films as well as in 3 Idiots, Raju took the audience through an emotional roller coaster ride where there was no plausible interval between comic sequences and emotional drama. One moment, his audience would be laughing non-stop and the next moment they would be overcome by heartfelt sentiment. Mrigdeep Singh Lamba’s Fukrey has mirrored the style established by Raju Hirani. There are multiple moments in the film where you have not fully recovered from your laughter when a new development in the story leaves your mind reeling with emotion. Having said that, like the predecessors of this method, Fukrey is  primarily a comedy film, something like Delhi Belly with a Punjabi touch. Fukrey revolves around four guys, not necessarily friends, but trapped together in some interesting (read: tricky) situations. Humor ensues and they eventually conquer the challenges faced, predictably so. While the basic premise has nothing new to offer, it is the underlying tones in the script and treatment of the screenplay that distinguish the film. Fukrey does not offer a perfect protagonist like 'Rancho' of 3 Idiots. To the contrary, the heroes are weak individuals  looking for shortcuts in life. They have no money, they can’t study and they are willing to cheat their way into a college admission. While the film follows the tried and tested mix of several directors, Fukrey neither bores the audience, nor does it seem repetitive. The charm of Fukrey is boosted by its committed cast. The characters are detailed and fun. 'Bholi Punjaban', for example, carries a dappled personality: she is narcissistic and foul-mouthed with a 'Sindrella' tattoo on her neck. Meanwhile, the college watchman 'Pandit' - a kind, soft spoken yet corrupt guy, leaks exam papers, seeking backdoor registration for unqualified students in exchange for money. Both Richa Chadda and Pankaj Tripathi have handled their roles splendidly. Seeing Richa in a purely comic role after her intense acting in Gangs of Wasseypur was a joy. Similarly, Pankaj Triptahi’s role was a complete contrast to his performance in Gangs of Wasseypur, showing his adaptability as an actor. The four protagonists of the film are also well-selected. While Ali Fazal as 'Zafar' is relatively unimpressive, the other three leads are hilarious. Pulkit Samrat, being the smart wizard, reminds you of 'Amar' from Andaz Apna Apna or 'Raju' of Hera Pheri - good at heart but willing to make easy money through shady means. Pulkit’s comic timing is spectacular and his chemistry with 'Choocha' is excellent. 'Choocha' on the other hand is a cross between 'Zach Galfianikis' of Hangover and 'Babu Bhaiyya' of Hera Pheri. He is spectacular when it comes to dreaming the lottery results but a certified idiot in all other respects. Still, he surprises you when it comes to his survival instincts. His scenes with Richa Chadda are utterly hilarious. Manjot Singh is also enjoyable in his role as 'Sardar Ji'. He portrays a nice guy who does not want to charge people who eat at his father’s shop yet wishes for admission into a college without having to study for it. He swears that he will teach a lesson to his cheating girlfriend but ends up waving and smiling at her. In the first fifteen minutes of the film, I thought that Fukrey will offer several smiles but fall short of making me laugh. I spent the next hour and a half laughing uncontrollably at the characters' antics. I highly recommended watching Fukrey! Read more by Sami here, or follow him on Twitter @SamiSaayer

Pakistani cinema has finally arrived where it was supposed to. (It was supposed to arrive a decade or two ago but anyway.) I am not happy when people start comparisons between a multi-billion dollar industry such as Bollywood to a flailing, haphazard, mainly notorious industry such as Lollywood. The comparison is not only unfair, it is silly and, from all rules of economics, a failure to begin with. Pakistani cinema-goers, however, cannot help but compare the two and hence, every time we watch a Bollywood flick, we sigh and go,

“Haye, Pakistan main kyun nahee banti hain aisi movies?” (Gosh, why aren’t films like these made in Pakistan?)

Wedding season is upon us and love is in the air. Every girl dreams of her fairytale wedding from the day her mother utters these kind words of wisdom,

“Susral ja kar naak mat katva daina!” (Don’t embarrass us when you go to your in-laws house!)

“10 days left to my BIG day guys... ahhhh!” “4 days to go... sooooo excited!!!!” “Shopping for the big day! Best. Feeling. Ever!!”

“Haye! Main kahan phasnay ja raha hun?” (Gosh, where have I gotten myself stuck?)

“Does the Valima package include a facial?” “Is a ‘mani-pedi’ inclusive of the wedding services?”  “Rose Beauty Parlor mein tou sirf Rs10,000 ka makeup hai, phir aap kyun double le rahay hain?” (Rose Beauty Parlour charges only Rs10,000 for bridal makeup, then why are you charging double the price?)

 “Atif tou mera bachpan ka dost hai, tum Saleema ko kyun bula rahay ho?” (Atif is my childhood friend, why are you inviting Saleema?)

Growing up, I always noticed that romantic comedies, also known as ‘rom-coms’, mostly circled around a single theme: boy and girl spot each other, possibly kickoff at loggerheads, realise the attraction somewhere in between, fight the world, win the battle and unite in the midst of song and dance - or more popularly known as ‘Happily Ever After’.  Although Hollywood evolved and began to produce rom-coms based on what happens after the lovey-dovey couple get together, Bollywood continued to shy away from such storylines until fairly recently. Chalte Chalte and Saathiya were among the first movies to depict the topic of post-marriage matters and hence, both films were considered to be slightly more intense than the usual light viewing of Bollywood rom-coms. However, the movies paved the way for the industry to venture into producing more films on similar themes. With time, another element seemed to emerge – that of two strong individuals instead of one being the damsel in distress, as seen historically. This breakthrough led to movies like Break Ke Baad and Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, to name the more recent ones. Gori Tere Pyaar Mein is a bit of both these themes and although the movie’s glamour factors are purely its two leads – Imran Khan and Kareena Kapoor Khan - and of course, the banner that produced it – Karan Johar – the production and story itself are quite simple. The movie centres around two urbane people with opposing mentalities. Dia, played by Kareena Kapoor Khan, is a modern day strong-headed environmentalist with unalterable beliefs, whose focus is to improve life for the less -fortunate. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x14kvzl_gori-tere-pyaar-mein-official-trailer-2013_fun[/embed] On the other hand, Sriram Venkat, played by Imran Khan, is a whimsical, non-ambitious, flirtatious boy who works on and off in his father’s company. His life revolves around material things and he is well described by Dia as “shallow” [but] “not as emotionless as he portrays”. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x15rmux_tooh-hd-video-song-gori-tere-pyaar-mein-2013-imran-khan-kareena-kapoor_music[/embed] Although the chemistry between the lead characters may come across as almost on-existent, one does get the impression that this depiction is intentional. The characters are meant to share a very individualistic and independent relationship so much so that Sriram almost considers their relationship to be casual, only to find out that Dia thinks it to be more serious; although she agrees with him that it should not change their personalities. Until of course, the attraction fizzles out and reality bites. While the first half revolves around them trying to make sense of a relationship, without compromising their extremely developed personalities and beliefs, the second half of the movie is dedicated to Sriram looking for Dia in a remote village with a motive to win her back. To say that the movie is not dramatic would be a misnomer since it has its fair share of dramatic moments such as the runaway groom and the heart-broken lover singing at his lost love’s wedding, among others. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x16gsol_chingam-chabake-official-hd-new-item-song-2013-gori-tere-pyaar-mein-imran-khan-kareena-kapoor_music[/embed] However, what the movie and its story must be commended on is its mild underscoring of nuances in relationships – moving on yet holding on, differences in knowing each other and future plans, re-evaluating the bond and reasons for friction over the slightest things. And of course, the most important and rarely talked about subject – who decides the way forward in a relationship and is it always mutual? Although the bigger story continued to be ‘Will he win her back?’ these were all touched upon through mere dialogues and certain scenes. The movie does not have memorable songs although they provide light listening while they play; nor does it boast extravagant settings or remarkable dialogue. However, it has two strong supporting cast members –Shraddha Kapoor as Vasudha who played Sriram’s rebound and Anupam Kher as the corrupt tax collector in the village to which Dia moved to after her break-up with Sriram. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x16mm2b_naina-hd-video-song-gori-tere-pyaar-mein-2013-imran-khan-kareena-kapoor_music[/embed] Yet, the movie has its moments where the viewer cannot help but guffaw out loud and most of the credit for comic relief goes to Imran Khan and Anupam Kher. For some, it may also be the crab that Sriram ‘adopted’ instead of eating it in a restaurant, to show his love for Dia and her cause. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Kareena Kapoor Khan plays an 'NGO-type' in Gori Tere Pyar Mein. Photo: Facebook page Gori Tere Pyar Mein[/caption] Overall, the movie provides light entertainment and a fun watch, with some moments that may replay in the head later.

Bollywood star, Rani Mukherji and the head honcho of Yash Raj Films (YRF), Aditya Chopra tied the knot on the April 21, 2014. While my interest level in their nuptials is dismally low, I can’t help but be revolted by the reaction of fans across the country. While some are ecstatic, others feel she could have done better. The comments floating around on Twitter and Facebook range from being congratulatory to being downright discourteous and boorish. There were media reports of Uday Chopra being attacked by Twitterati and having read some of the tweets, I am appalled and disconcerted at the crudeness on display. Here are some tweets, I came across: https://twitter.com/Dreamer_Taniya/status/458539490098036736 https://twitter.com/coolfunnytshirt/status/458493259850219520 https://twitter.com/shivillex/statuses/458497774343163904 https://twitter.com/rkxsaurabh/status/458837701555277824 https://twitter.com/ROFL_India/statuses/458496548519698432 https://twitter.com/BathManReturns/statuses/458497455483797504 Criticism of an actor’s work is certainly justified; as the audience, we have the power to either break or make an artist’s career. We have the right to demand value for our money by way of quality films. But one can’t help but wonder what drives people to indulge in personal attacks? How are insensitive comments about an individual’s personal life posted with the sole aim of humiliating the star on a public forum justified? This phenomenon is not limited to the subcontinent alone but South Asians seem to be disproportionately interested in matters that are not their concern and do not hesitate while expressing their unsolicited opinions. Given that buying a ticket to a movie entitles the viewers to watch a movie, it definitely does not give us the right to pry into a performer’s personal life and make unsavoury remarks that have the potential to hurt sentiments. Various stars like Shahrukh Khan, who deserted his Twitter account for months, and Imran Khan, who deleted his Twitter account altogether, have been bullied online by trolls. Anushka Sharma was on the receiving end of public ridicule post her appearance on Karan Johar’s chat show earlier this year for her alleged ‘lip surgery’. My Facebook feed had individuals sharing jokes and having a good laugh at her expense. Since there are no shortcuts to success, these actors invest a lot of hard work to maintain their star status. It’s preposterous that the public, who possibly do not have the ambition and more importantly the talent to reach such heights, are impertinent enough to post rude and unwarranted personal remarks in a brazen attempt to insult the celebrity in question. Online forums offer anonymity and that emboldens people to misbehave while hiding behind a pseudonym. But off late, I’ve come to realise that people have no qualms about behaving in a reprehensible manner even whilst using their actual identity! It’s quite likely that there’s a category of people who feel the need to degrade others to feel good about themselves in order to elevate their self-worth. The fact that they have the power to publically embarrass a celebrity probably exhilarates them. Whatever the case maybe, it’s inconceivable that internet trolls are so emotionally stunted that they do not realise the psychological ramifications of their words. Perhaps deriving sadistic pleasure is the driving force behind such behaviour. Whether trolls are beyond reform is debatable but it would be prudent to pause and think before callously posting vicious tweets or comments online. How embarrassed would you feel if someone left a nasty comment on your Facebook page for everyone to read? Despite repeated humiliation, movie stars are courageous enough to face the camera and audiences alike. So let’s cut them some slack, shall we? It is difficult to wrap one’s head around the unhealthy curiosity levels regarding a celebrity’s life. Details like who stars marry, date or go on vacations with, the names of their new born babies, speculation about their marriages and rumours about pregnancy are not our concern. There are distasteful photographs of Kareena Kapoor and Vidya Balan where the photographers have zoomed in to draw the viewer’s attention to the actresses ‘bloated’ bellies. The paparazzi culture has gained ground in India because there’s a demand for it. How stars cope with this constant intrusion is beyond my comprehension, but the question in my mind is why do we need to know every minute detail of an artist’s life, details that have no bearing on our existence whatsoever?

Although New Delhi’s legislative assembly elections are just round the corner and the city that has been the helm of power in the subcontinent for centuries will choose between its ‘aam aadmis’ and ‘khaas aadmis’, the fulcrum of debate instead is a comedy show uploaded to YouTube, a video-sharing website, that many Pakistanis wouldn’t know of, on January 28, 2015. It is fascinating how one chooses to become a comedian in a part of the world where something funny is going on all the time. A few years back a group of witty comedians, comprising Tanmay Bhat, Gursimran Khamba, Rohan Joshi and Ashish Shakya, formed the AIB – an online comedy collective. While the Pakistani underground is still busy with White versus Brown themes, and more importantly its struggle against radical thought, AIB garnered an identity of its own in India. Mushtaq Ahmad Yousufi, one of the greatest humour writers from our part of the world, once wrote,

“The day we understand why we laugh, we won’t laugh again”.

Social media is full of news of Game of Thrones being adapted as an Indian television show. Am I the only one who thinks that the plot lends itself perfectly for a Bollywood movie instead of a TV show? I would pay good money to see a Karan Johar production titled ‘Kabhi Games, Kabhi Thrones’. The story would begin with Ned Stark and Robert Baratheon riding together on a motorbike merrily singing a song together. The evil sautayli ma (step-mother) would ask Jon Snow to be banished from the kingdom, and the Stark jayedaad (inheritance). Snow’s storyline would become even more contentious in a Bollywood setting with the word ‘bastard’ repeated multiple times with the echo sound effect. Lord Varys losing his manhood would be a much more dramatic sequence. This famous Salman Khan dialogue from the movie Wanted might just have a completely different context in the Game of Thrones world. The dialogue would then prompt a bad ass response from Tywin Lannister. Brevity and Bollywood do not get along too well, the tagline Valar Morghulis will need to change. As will Hodor’s lines, unless they cast Tusshar Kapoor and ask him to equate dumb with retarded. Stannis might have an easier job proving he is the one true king of Westeros. Whether he later decides to become bread ka badshah aur omelet ka raja Bajaj, humara Bajaj (king of bread and prince of omelet Bajaj), is up for debate. Poor Sir Jorah Mormont, the embodiment of the word ‘friend-zone’, he still believes that ‘pyar dosti hay’ (love is friendship). Tyrion’s trial will not be as simple as demanding a trial by combat. If anybody deserves a song encapsulating her existential dilemmas in the comforting arms of Naseeruddin Shah, it is Arya Stark. Especially after all that the Starks have suffered at the hands of the Lannisters. But hey, at least we have the mother of dragons! All photos: Shehzad Ghias

Bombay Velvet is a noir crime drama set during the 50s-60s era. It is directed by Anurag Kashyap, the man behind movies which have evolved into cult classics, such as Gangs of Wasseypur, Ugly, Dev D and Black Friday. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2jxhug[/embed] Bombay Velvet’s protagonist is Johnny Balraj (Ranbir Kapoor), an ambitious street hustler-cum-boxer, fighting in the pits for the adrenaline rush. The major part of the movie pivots around the rise and fall of Balraj, from the obscure mediocrity of street hustling to becoming a manager of the most happening club in town, of course known as Bombay Velvet. How he traverses that journey should be seen by the audience themselves. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="365"] Photo: IMDb[/caption] Rosie (Anushka Sharma) is an inspiring singer with a tumultuous and disturbed upbringing from Goa seeking refuge in Bombay. She does so in order to seek a glorious career but rather finds herself embroiled in gritty and unforgiving realities and gets restricted to becoming a mistress, during which the paths of Balraj and Rosie align and they fall madly in love with each other. However, Rosie has something up her sleeves, a hidden agenda which should not be divulged for the sake of keeping all sorts of spoilers at bay. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="547"] Photo: Bombay Velvet Facebook Page[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="540"] Photo: Bombay Velvet Facebook Page[/caption] Playing the role of an antagonist is the director-turned-actor Karan Johar as Kaizad Khambatta, a shrewd, conniving and suave businessman-cum-criminal, coupled with questionable sexual orientation and effeminate sensibilities. I guess it’s just me, but after watching several episodes of Koffee with Karan, he just does not come off as villain-esque; he tries so hard but fails spectacularly, and as a result, he looks more like a henchman than a full-fledged villain. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="547"] Photo: Bombay Velvet Facebook page[/caption] It is sad and disappointing in equal measures to note the fact that Bombay Velvet has faltered to a great extent in terms of delivering a quality movie-going experience. Suffice to say that it has imploded under the high expectation audiences had from this particular movie and I feel it failed to deliver. However, what this movie has in abundance is style, panache and a befitting representation of the biggest metropolis of India during the 50-60s. Ranging from the look and feel of the movie as a whole, to dresses, cars, and even depicting Bombay in all of its moralistically flawed and vice but beguiling magnificence, which is a far cry from the high rise corporate Mumbai of today. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="540"] Photo: Bombay Velvet Facebook Page[/caption] One thing that stays apparent throughout the entirety of the movie is the inspiration, or you can say homage, paid to different Hollywood movies, be it Goodfellas, The Great Gatsby or the popular HBO drama series, Boardwalk Empire. It is glaringly obvious to the point of being emulated at some instances. One would hope and think that Mr Kashyap would recreate a visceral and bourgeoning city, like he did in his previous works such as Gangs of Wasseypur, one which is raw and exposes the wild underbelly beneath the glitz and glamour of the city, but he has failed and only managed to exhibit the glamour and chic. At times, it is out rightly evident that the movie is all style and no substance, so much so that it starts to become a hollow affair, devoid of a structured story. Speaking of story and movie, it stretches longer than necessary, two and a half hours or so, the pace is uneven, coupled with failed attempts at humour and dialogues which are instantly forgettable. The music, on the other hand, is upbeat and melodious, paying tribute to the music of the 60s, especially with songs like Fifi. All in all, the songs are a stark opposite in comparison to the movie and they stand out as one of the few good things in Bombay Velvet. The music composer has done a good job interlining the plot of the movie within the lyrics of different songs. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2mmkn5[/embed] In terms of acting skills, Kapoor fails to deliver a commanding performance; he shines in a few scenes, but during the rest of the movie, he is at best run-of-the-mill and average. One just cannot see him as a crass street thug no matter how hard he tries to don the character of Johnny Balraj. The failed accent of a street thug and those horrible curls he sports do him no justice. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="397"] Photo: Bombay Velvet Facebook Page[/caption] Sharma has not put forth her A-game either; only God knows where her depth in acting went, which was recently delivered by a potent performance in NH10. All the other actors, such as Kay Kay Menon, are passable in their limited roles. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="525"] Photo: Bombay Velvet Facebook Page[/caption] To sum it all up, this is Kashyap’s failed transition from the independent movies to big mainstream Bollywood movies. Bombay Velvet is a movie which can only be tolerated once and that too with some patience involved. Watch it only for the spectacular period setting, the sets and the fancy wardrobes shown throughout the movie.  Bombay Velvet is like a malignant tumour which becomes inoperable by the second half of the movie. Simply put, avoiding it at all cost will be the best option. I would rate it 0.5 out of 10.

This year witnessed Pakistani cinema step out of a murky and Bolly obsessed past into a well-choreographed, seductive, witty, and innuendo-filled cinematic future. For a country, now in its 69^th year of independence, that once teemed with 1500 movie houses – it’s about time. The 2015 blockbuster, Jawani Phir Nahi Ani (JPNA), was the perfect culmination to a year of decent Lollywood films. Below are the venerable author’s six astute observations on the three hour Nadeem Baig comedy on the burdened life of three bachelors under the tyranny of their wives. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ls6q2[/embed] 1. “What happens in Bangkok stays in Bangkok” [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] ...is every Pakistani bachelor’s motto because getting a visa to Thailand is way easier, than trying to make it to the actual Sin City (Las Vegas). 2. ‘Bwoooyz’ trip [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] JPNA’s male characters are appealingly recognisable – the slick, sweet talker (Humayun Saeed), the slightly overweight class quipster (Ahmed Butt), the self-conscious dork (Vasay Chaudry), and the perennially skirt-chasing Don Juan (Hamza Ali Abbasi). Our band of lotharios head to Bangkok to fulfil their ultimate stereotypical male fantasies; Thai ‘massages’, beers on the beach (Adios amigos to the orange juice ke glasses at Port Grand Karachi), and night-time car rides with the top down. And, of course, no Pakistani ‘bwoyz’ trip is complete without the unabashedly obvious ogling of bikini-laden jiggly décor aka white female tourists. The JPNA male cast pulls off the sleazypan in a classically lascivious manner that only our desi and Arab male counterparts seem to be capable of. (To all those slamming Hamza Ali Abbasi as a hypocrite for his comments post-production, please note, it seems that the bechara had mistaken the bikini-walis to be CIA operatives. It happens to the best of us, okay?) After too many hours of too many hijinks, the movie predictably diffuses into an ‘all is well that ends well’ dream sequence as the misbehaving boys get what they are supposed to, also known as the love of their wives, as well as everything else they want, without even really having to try. In JPNA’s covertly misogynistic world, the lying and cheating husbands’ estranged wives take a journey from Karachi to Lahore to tell them they miss them and ask them to come home. 3. Piece bara tait aey [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Despite the film’s grossly frequent misogynistic overtures (please refer to all scenes from Thailand and the final courtroom scene), the female characters still manage to take charge of JPNA and steal the spotlight. The heady combination of a hormonally charged up, very pregnant (both in reel and real life), gun-toting Pakhtun wife (Sarwat Gilani), the uptight, let-me-ignore-shady husband’s-misgivings wife (Ayesha Khan), the overworked, overbooked mother (Uzma Khan), the selfie obsessed drama queen fiancée (Sohai Ali), and the ballsy, tequila chugging girlfriend (Mehwish Hayat) dominate the screen in a way that is brave and impossible not to care about. Wannabe mullahs everywhere will tell you this is not the real Pakistan and this is not the archetypal Pakistani woman. While that’s not entirely inaccurate it’s also not entirely true. These women do represent at least some types of the average Pakistani woman. And they do it skilfully and beautifully. You don’t have to be comfortable with or even like a drunken-with-daddy-issues Mehwish Hayat, an overworked, too busy for lovemaking Uzma Khan, or the insanely annoying daddy’s girl Sohai Ali who lives for Instagram. But you still have to doff your hat to the way in which some of our industry’s most talented actresses execute these characters. 4. All is ‘Fair and Lovely’ when it comes to product placement [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="565"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] Everything is a product in JPNA, so much so that even the cast has trouble separating out what they think is marketable to the Pakistani masses from what they actually want. Does Hamza Ali Abbasi really want to wear that much Levis? There is such a thing as too much crucifixes, plaid and denim on a grown man. And does Sohai Ali really want to openly reveal her beauty as a result of skin bleaching Fair and Lovely at her own mehndi party? No one really wants to admit ye hai Fair and Lovely ka jalwa. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x338nzq[/embed] These random brand plugs leave the viewers unnecessarily distracted, and no more or less likely to use a Habib Bank credit card machine. But, okay. Films funders are funders. 5. A comedy of (fairly) epic proportions [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] JPNA made me laugh till my kidney hurt. But that doesn’t change the fact that that the film is essentially a three hour Humayun Saeed self-congratulatory fantasy. For the sake of Allah, please tell me why the man insists on dressing like a dulha (groom) with Shahrukh Khan-esque sultry gazes and highlighted hair rivalling on-screen love interest Mehwish Hayat’s hair? With maybe 30 minutes of a plot that has been unbearably diluted to a feature length film – albeit with a great cast and attractive celebrity cameos (ahem, hey, Fahad Mustafa!) – my fellow moviegoers and I gasped in mild horror and looked at our watches when the intermission sign flashed on the screen because, no lie, at hour one I was satisfied and ready to go home. 6. In Lollywood, past is the past [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption]  JPNA is Lollywood’s conciliatory move telling you the past is prologue. The soundtrack hits the spot by sneakily following the current Bolly inspired formula for acoustic success; Yo Yo Honey Singh wali beat, scantily clad women, film’s leading men mock rapping in a dark room with sunglasses on for non-visual reasons, and approximately thirty random shout outs to five different alcohol brands. Bacardi may or may not have been a film sponsor. Either way, the soundtrack fills the bill and this author guarantees that Fair and Lovely and Nach Ke Dekha will be playing in all shaadi (wedding) halls this winter. [embed width=“620”]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x378enp[/embed] The wedding sets and choreography rival a Karan Johar flick. The ridiculously over-the-top and maddening fiasco that has become Pakistani wedding preparation is emulated perfectly in a brief sequence with Sohai Ali and Bushra Ansari’s interactions with unknown, run of the mill designer XYZ charging a couple of crores for medicority (“But it’s my first wedding, mummy”). Humayun Saeed’s sherwani game is so on point it’s like looking at a visually similar sketch of Shahrukh Khan (SRK) circa Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, Kal Ho Naa Ho, etc. In fact, throughout the full three hours the man does not let us forget he’s the self-proclaimed SRK of Lollywood. Finally, the entire cast expertly capitalises on the mantra ‘sex sells’. The sexual innuendo is on point. From Javaid Sheikh suggestively gyrating on a motorbike, to Humayun Saeed instructing Mehwish Hayat to get down on her knees (to dodge a bullet, but of course), the comedy is evocative and as subtle as a blow to the head. So leave your morals, religious convictions, and fatwas at home. This is the Naya Pakistan.

2015 was a mixed bag of a year for Bollywood. On one hand, we saw a lot of new-age filmmakers come up with some really off-beat stuff, while on the other, we were subjected to some same old, regressive, masala films. The classic confusion that every movie critic faces in picking the top films of the year is whether to go with flicks that have Box Office tills ringing or go with movies that set one’s own heart fluttering. I have simply avoided the whole dilemma by including both. So without any further ado, here are the top five popular movies of the year: 1. Tanu Weds Manu Returns: Banno tera swagger is the sexiest! As the old age saying goes,

“Marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightening.”

“Dil ka bhanwar kahe sun saathiya, chup na dupatte me tu o chhaliyaa”

All right, now here is a definitive list of all the people who under no circumstances can miss out on the chance to watch Kapoor & Sons while they can. The perfect elder child - Rahul Kapoor (Fawad Khan) [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Koimoi[/caption] If you are tired of living your life under the weight of all the expectations that come your way for acting to fulfil the ‘faultless child’ tag that you are burdened with and need to break free from the shackles of being eternally considered responsible. The quintessential black sheep – Arjun Kapoor (Sidharth Malhotra) [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Koimoi[/caption] If living forever under the shadow of a successful sibling, always thought off as second best and immature has worn you out. The estranged couple - Harsh Kapoor (Rajat Kapoor) and Sunita (Ratna Pathak Shah) [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] If constant bickering about anything and everything, right down from a leaked pipe all the way up to the serious business of household finances, is slowly eating up your already gone sour relationship. The happy go lucky daddu (Grandpa) – Amarjeet Kapoor (Rishi Kapoor) [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] And finally, if you are a weed-smoking, porn-watching octogenarian who is acting as the glue for a family slowly crumbling under the load of anger and resentment, then you better stop whatever the hell it is that you are doing right now and go grab yourself a ticket, because nothing can be as bizarrely therapeutic as watching the latest release from Dharma productions, Kapoor & Sons. [embed width-"620" height="348"]https://vimeo.com/154953351[/embed] It’s not just what has been noted above that will help all of you out there in a similar predicament to empathise with in the film. The fact every member of the Kapoor clan has additional skeletons in their respective closets is what makes this dysfunctional family such a curatively riveting watch. As for the rest of you, I bet you all have personal demons of your own that Kapoor & Sons can surely help exorcise. On the face of it, it is a relatively simple drama. Kapoor & Sons is the story of a mercurial Punjabi khaandaan (family) where the ever squabbling pair of ageing parents (Rajat and Ratna) have two sons, Rahul and Arjun who are not on the best of terms with each other. With such strained relationship dynamics this ought to be a recipe for dinner table disaster. But fear not, things aren’t coming to a head any meal-time soon since the brothers are living entirely separate lives in London and New Jersey. The perfect elder one, Rahul, is a bestselling novelist based in London. While the younger one, Arjun, is a struggling writer and a drifter, currently working as a bartender in New Jersey. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] One fine day, the quirky grandfather (Rishi Kapoor) whose favourite prank is playing dead, actually suffers a heart attack and the separated siblings are summoned back home to be by his side and all familial hell breaks loose. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] What follows is a household that’s teetering on the brink. Seething with bitterness, yet busy with the daily chores of life – like all dysfunctional families – the Kapoor clan too is always just one dinner-time talk away from reconciliation, but yet at the same time, also just one small act away from completely unravelling into total disintegration. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] But there is still one person who is obliviously enjoying the reunion: daddu. Now having experienced death at close quarters with the attack, the eccentric patriarch of the family has a simple final wish. A family photograph! But amidst all the Kapoor madness, this straightforward desire turns out to be anything but. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Ndtv[/caption] This could be the account of any family anywhere and that is what makes Kapoor & Sons special. The drama is a bitter-sweet slice of your own life. It could have been Sardar & Sons or even Khan & Sons. Heck! ‘Put your own family name’ & Sons, could very well have been the title of the movie, for each of you would find your life parallel to the narrative of the movie at some indeterminate point. The tale is fascinatingly engaging despite being rooted in the everyday. You might even describe the plot as wafer-thin but what sets it apart from others is the command that Shakun Batra, the director has on the art of storytelling. Watching the trailer you could be forgiven for confusing Kapoor & Sons as yet another archaic love troika from the stables of Karan Johar. Despite Alia Bhatt’s introduction as a potential trigger to the ticking time bomb that is the edgy Kapoor siblings’ relation, the film steers clear of the Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) and Kal Ho Naa Ho (2003) variety of regressive storytelling. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Alia plays her hyper, ditzy, blonde girl act yet again and along with Sidharth Malhotra, the duo is the weakest of the lot in terms of acting. It actually might be a little harsh to bracket Siddharth with Alia, mainly because he was saddled with a one-toned character and would have performed a lot better had his younger-brother character been crafted in a layered manner. https://www.instagram.com/p/BCHkccAtLCm? [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] But there were no such characterisation issues with the elder sibling, Fawad Khan who owns the movie with his nuanced performance. His range of complex emotions is a total show-stealer and without giving too much away, hats off to him for displaying some real artistic cojones, playing a complex multi-layer character that no other leading Bollywood actor would have dared touched with a barge pole. Rajat Kapoor and Ratna Pathak Shah play the almost alienated couple with much ease. The pair manages to showcase love and resentment in a marriage so well, that they will remind you of your own parents. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Rishi Kapoor with all the prosthetic work, as the slightly naughty, partly grumpy and completely hedonistic grandfather, lusting after Mandakini in a wet sari from Ram Teri Ganga Maili (1985), is the cherry atop this captivating familial cake. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] The choice of setting, the town of Coonoor is a spectacular idea and the cinematography does the hill station full justice by capturing the freshness with frames where you can, well, almost smell the greenery. https://www.instagram.com/p/3yoFcZC-7W? Dialogues are as un-Bollywoodish as you can imagine with a lot of subtext and nothing silly, forced or fake about the lines. Speaking of lines, there is one in Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina regarding families.

 “All happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Kapoor and Sons has garnered much success after its release, grossing over INR100 crore globally within just one week. But apart from its box-office triumph, the film has also received acclaim for bringing topics such as infidelity and homosexuality, once considered taboo, to the forefront of upper-middle class family dynamics.  Director Karan Johar must be given credit for cleverly casting an actor that women swoon over to break the stereotypical image of gay men in our society. However, it seems Fawad Khan may have committed to the movie before having completely thought it through; his effortless and convincing acting may have done wonders for gay men in India, but the same can’t be said across borders. Not even a little. In Pakistan, homosexuality is a tricky subject. Some may accept it or believe in it. But most people will seek comfort in the deafening silence that comes with the subject. In 2010, a man and a eunuch in Peshawar were put behind bars for allegedly being wed in a private ceremony. The accused, however, said the police falsely arrested them for a crime they hadn’t committed. What followed though was the belief, held by many, that the floods that occurred the following year were ultimately God’s punishment against such ‘evil’. In a country where even a harmless women’s protection bill is hard to pass without controversy and strong opposition, homosexuality remains an issue people prefer not even commenting on and are conditioned to denounce. In my childhood, I was told that even uttering the word ‘pig’ out loud was considered a sin, which is why I referred to it as ‘P’ or ‘P-I-G’. Similarly, in Kapoor and Sons, the protagonist was meant to be a homosexual, yet, the use of the word ‘gay’ was completely omitted. Interestingly, in a recent interview of Fawad with Rajeev Masand, our very own homeboy blushed when asked about his reluctance towards onscreen intimacy. He explained that Pakistani audiences that frequent the cinemas are not ready for cinematic intimacy as it is something they have not really been exposed to. These movies are intended for families. By using sex education as an example, Fawad explains that when it comes to sex, parents find themselves in a tough spot; they have to educate their children on what they find uncomfortable to address and what the children are completely clueless about. Keeping the same logic in mind with respect to homosexuality, when families watch such movies together, how are parents supposed to explain why Fawad’s onscreen mother cannot accept who he is? And well, what is he, exactly? We witnessed how a majority of middle-class people were all praises for Pakistan’s king of controversy Hamza Ali Abbasi and his Facebook status on the legalisation of gay marriage in Pakistan, This post was shared over a 100 times. Every ‘like’ it received is self-explanatory. A more recent example is that of a popular English newspaper that self-censored its international partner’s story on homosexuality: a picture of two men pecking was removed, leaving behind the white space of the newspaper. Despite many liberal voices calling out the move as a defiance of freedom of press, the majority, who tend to disagree with upper-class ideologies, lauded the efforts. This doesn’t come as a shock to us, considering we pacify our close mindedness by classifying natural calamities as forms of punishment. This problem requires our immediate attention. This all explains why, when I was watching Kapoor and Sons at the cinema, the unanimous gasps that followed the plot twist illustrated a silent furore. The laughter of 20-somethings that ensued shortly after revealed just how insensitive and ignorant we can be. A plot twist, that was meant to be serious, transformed into light-hearted humour with comments like, “Niki toh larka nikla” and “Apna bhai toh gay hai” followed by more unapologetically loud giggles. In another interview that aired after the release of the movie, Fawad defended his decision to play a gay character:

“A friend of mine gave me the example of Zia Mohyeddin, who is a very famous Pakistani actor ... He played the role of a eunuch in one of his films. That was a time when people would make fun of eunuchs. So, it was a very bold move. Mohyeddin thought that a normal person would be interested in a movie if the content is good. That interest would get heightened if one put an anomaly in it, like the unlikely character of a eunuch in the plot,”

We finally caught a glimpse of Karan Johar’s ambitious project, Ae Dil Hai Mushkil, starring Ranbir Kapoor, Anushaka Sharma, Aishwarya Rai Bachan and our very own Fawad Khan. What I gathered from the snippet is that the movie is fresh, dark, passionate and has a melodious soundtrack. This is Karan Johar’s first directorial venture after Student of the Year (2012). But Ae Dil Hai Mushkil is expected to be comparatively bigger, better and more appealing. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Ranbir Kapoor, Anushaka Sharma and our very own Fawad Khan.
Photo: Instagram[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Karan Johar and Fawad Khan
Photo: Instagram[/caption] I am extremely excited about the following things. 1. Music Karan Johar is famous for the euphonious music in his movies. Nearly all his movies have chartbuster songs and I feel Ae Dil Hai Mushkil will not be any different. The teaser features the title song, sung by Arijit Singh and composed by Pritam. It’s my personal favourite. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Anushaka Sharma
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Ranbir Kapoor
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] 2. The lead cast. Social media is abuzz after finding out about the lead cast. I mean who wouldn’t want to see Aishwarya, Ranbir, Anushka and Fawad Khan together in a movie? Eye candy and talent? I cannot wait to watch this movie. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Fawad Khan
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Anushaka Sharma
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Ranbir Kapoor and Aishwarya Rai Bachan
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] All the actors look absolutely gorgeous in the movie. It’s obvious that Karan Johar has worked hard on each of their looks, costumes and makeup. The four of them emote so perfectly that for a moment you forget a world outside the movie exists. There is hurt, there is loneliness, there is passion, there is aggression and there is sadness; brilliantly depicted by each of the actors. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Ranbir Kapoor and Anushaka Sharma
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Ranbir Kapoor and Aishwarya Rai Bachan
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Ranbir Kapoor and Anushaka Sharma
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] 3. Cinematography Just like he is known for his music, Karan Johar is also famous for picking gorgeous locations for his movies. London in Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham (2001), New York in Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (2006) and Ae Dil Hai Mushkil in Europe and India. The film is shot in Vienna, Paris, Austria, London and Rajasthan. The teaser has aptly captured the true beauty of these places. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Aishwarya Rai Bachan
Photo: Screenshot[/caption] 4. Ranbir’s voiceover

“Ek tarfa pyar ki taaqat hi kuch aur hoti hai.. auro ke rishton ki tarah yeh do logon mein nahi bathti.. sirf mera haq hai ispe.” (Unrequited love has its own strength.. it doesn’t get divided between two people.. it is only mine to claim.)

To ask a Pakistani actor to go back to his country when there has allegedly been a terrorist attack on Indian soil by Pakistanis, is both stupid and understandable. The citizens ask for quick retaliation and, as always, people in the world of arts, culture and film are the softest targets. The Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS), sensing the public pulse, cashed in on the anger and gave Pakistani actors and artists a 48-hour ultimatum to leave India. And mind you, a lot of Indians are irate with the presence of the Pakistani artists in India. That does not make them right or wrong, but that is true. The question is why. On the other hand, Pakistani actor Fawad Khan has a huge fan following among women. Unlike Indian men, Indian women are not that gung-ho about sending the Kapoor & Sons star back home. Are Indian women less patriotic? Nobody knows, nobody is inside their head. The MNS has threatened Karan Johar that the party will halt the release of Ae Dil Hai Mushkil which stars Fawad Khan. If one goes through the comments section of news posts regarding Pakistani actors versus MNS fracas, you will find that it is mostly men who are clamouring for the actor to move out. Why so? Actually, Indian men hate Fawad Khan for the same reason they hate Shoaib Malik. How dare this Pakistani man enter the hearts (and homes) of our Indian girls? Well, he did. There is no going back from that. Fawad was destined to become a star in the subcontinent. He did not enter India with ‘I’m Karan Johar’s boy’ plastered on his forehead. He came to India with the hit Pakistani TV show Zindagi Gulzar Hai (ZGH) on Zindagi channel. Suddenly, Indian housewives, tired with the saas-bahu-kavach-daayan nonsense, were watching a sombre, polite TV serial about what appeared to be ‘real people’. And in the middle of it was a very handsome, accessible man who behaved like a normal human being, unlike the ordinary-looking, ordinary male actors one would find in Indian TV shows. Zindagi Gulzar Hai ran for only 25 episodes. By that time, Indian women had found their drug. But their Fawad-fix was not satiated. So Zindagi offered Fawad in measured doses. After ZGH ended, the channel ran the promo of Fawad’s telefilm Behadd on loop, teasing the audience and gauging their response. Then, as Khoobsurat (Fawad’s Bollywood debut) was about to release, the channel started airing the promos of Fawad’s highly popular show Humsafar. So, in a way, Fawad Khan has been in the Indian woman’s heart for a long, long time. Indian women have a lot more at stake, emotionally and sentimentally, in Fawad Khan. Indian men look at this sudden anomaly as a threat. And indeed, his uniqueness and exoticness was furthered propelled by the kind of roles he did in Bollywood. In Khoobsurat, Fawad played a Rajasthani prince, a distant, inaccessible, hard-to-reach and hard-to-get man. In that film, neither did he dance nor did he stalk the heroine. He did not get naked and bare his entire torso. He was dignified, stoic, spartan, the ultimate ‘Complete Man’ Raymond suiting and shirting could get. And, well, Indian girls had found their new crush, so very different from the chhichhoda (cheap) heroes they had been subjected to for years, and Indian moms found their template for the perfect son-in-law. Fawad’s next film Kapoor & Sons had him play a gay man. Again, he got the ‘mature guy’ role as opposed to his co-star Sidharth Malhotra who had to shake a leg to Badshah’s song. Most importantly, his gay character was not an effeminate stereotype. He appeared ‘human’. This ‘humanness’ has been the key to Fawad’s popularity. He is both accessible and inaccessible (he is from across the border, guys). The Indian man cannot understand this. So, either he tries to ignore him. Or hate him. And what better opportunity than a Pak attack for these men to publicly outrage against Fawad? Or, perhaps, there is more to it. It is indeed a fact that Fawad has still not publicly condemned the Uri attacks. This is truly unlike him, as he did express grievance during the November 2015 Paris attacks on Twitter. So did the Pakistani singer-actor Ali Zafar and VJ-turned-actor Mahira Khan who will soon be seen in Shah Rukh Khan’s Raees. Mahira went on to criticise the Orlando club shooting as well. But, somehow, when there has been a terrorist attack in India, the country that has given them stardom, fame, and money beyond what Pakistan could possibly give, they are strangely silent. And this has not gone down well with ‘patriotic Indians’, both the polite kind and the kind to vilify any secular commentator on social media as a ‘Porkistani’ who needs to be deported. In all likelihood, neither Fawad nor Mahira or Ali Zafar will be sent back to Pakistan. Money is more important than religion or nationality in India, and when crores are at stake, power players will ensure that nothing as absurd as Fawad’s expulsion happens. Be that as it may, the question remains: After all this, will Indian men ever warm up to Fawad Khan? Will Indian men ever cosy up to him as they have to, say a Ranveer or a Varun? Time will tell. This post originally appeared on IndiaToday.in.

Thank God for Fawad Khan and Mahira Khan, their powers are unlimited! Now that they are back in Pakistan, India is safe and the Indian actors whose jobs they took or whose films (see Ajay Devgn) might have flopped because of their magical presence in side roles or extended cameos are even safer. However, don’t underestimate the power these two extraordinary individuals possess, one tweet from them, one line on Facebook, or just a simple press release and the entire Kashmir issue would be resolved. It is just amazing how selfish they are by holding back, when a little effort on their part would fix a problem that generations of politicians, wars, blood and treasure have not been able to resolve. After facing a barrage of hostility from a war mongering, hyper-nationalistic Indian press for the crime of being Pakistani, they are now getting a drubbing from the arm chair patriots at home. Instead of supporting our own artists, a lot of Pakistani’s are acting like extras from a surreal adaptation of Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. Just as the actors’ silence was taken as a sign of complicity, now their short, carefully worded statements are being parsed and forensically analysed for signs of treachery and opportunism. “Why didn’t they specifically mention Kashmir?” is the big question on one side of the border, while the other side is waiting for a mention of the Uri victims. Being a huge drama fan myself, I have no doubt that the minute Asher and Khirad say those words, everything will be okay. Still, there are the cynical (and rational) who think putting pressure on their respective governments and politicians might be a better idea. To those keyboard warriors: your indignation rings hollow and hypocritical. If your empathy is reserved only for those who look like you, share the same religion as you or are on the same side of the border as you, then you have already failed the basic test of humanity. Meanwhile, full time patriot and part time actor Shaan Shahid, is posting about how pro Pakistan he is while shooting a remake of an Indian film, Arth 2. If being “pro Pakistan” means wearing tight black T-shirts and putting fellow actors down, then he has succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. No one is asking (quite rightly) Ali Zafar, Atif Aslam, Saba Qamar, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan, Mawra Hocane, Sajal Ali and Adnan Siddiqui who have all worked (or are working) on Indian projects for their opinion on Kashmir or whether they ‘support’ ( another euphemism for ‘are you patriotic enough?’) the army. Fawad Khan and Mahira Khan should not have to face any of these questions either, both have been exemplary ambassadors for brand Pakistan and have done nothing to deserve such scrutiny. More recently, Afzal, oops I mean Hamza Ali Abbasi weighed in on the topic with a characteristically blunt ‘either you are an Ostrich or you are not an Ostrich – pick a side’ statement. Again, being a huge Pyarey Afzal fan, I agree; moderation is for the weak , and we must all immediately take sides, in a  ‘them verses us’ scenario, because it has been so effective in the past. We’ve had three wars – I’m certain the fourth one will do the trick. Taking a cue from Hamza Bhai’s interest in Nazi sympathisers, if we must learn something from actual history (as opposed to random Wikipedia articles), perhaps a word from the horse’s mouth might be in order: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Photo: Twitter[/caption] The cherry on the cake has to be Amir Liaqat weighing in. This is a man whose greatest contribution to national security is feeding someone mangoes and giving away lawn suites. Perhaps he has forgotten that there is a difference between starring in a three minute trailer as a soldier and actually being one. But, then again, we get the patriots we deserve. Even more disturbing is Karan Johar’s recent statement of public penance, reminiscent of a badly made hostage video; this maybe the final proof that he should stay away from any attempt at minimalist film noir and stick to opulent Punjabi weddings. His affirmations of patriotism and promises to not work with actors from the ‘neighbouring country’ are a sad climb down from his previous statement about boycotts and bans:

“But this is not a solution. I don’t believe it is. The larger forces have to come together and sort the situation, and this cannot be banning talent or art.”

“Yeh toh mummy ka plan tha.” This was mom’s plan.

Irony just died a few deaths. At a time when Indian women and their aunts are wondering whether or not to publically lament the ‘ghar wapsi’ of the original heart throb Fawad Khan, another man has caught their fickle fancy. And as the crow flies or rather the Sada-e- Sarhad bus plies, he couldn’t be geographically closer but those miles today are politically insurmountable. An Indian friend married to a Pakistani once told me, the Pakhtun shopkeepers are finer than the work on the famous Afghan carpets they sell. Now I know what she means, as do most of the ladies around me, it seems. Eighteen-year-old Arshad Khan was only selling tea at some obscure stall, but we made a gourmet meal of staring at his picture. The teenager became an internet sensation even in India, where the only ‘chai pe charcha’ these days is whether Karan Johar’s film Ae Dil hai Muhkil will release peacefully. When it comes to India-Pakistan relations or the lack of it, the only stability is the persistent need to be one up, even if it’s something as frivolous as looks. We have always exulted in our soft power, but there is a reason why those piercing blue eyes were trending even on our side of the border. Sadly, many have forgotten what it is to take something at ‘face’ value, just smile and move on. ‘Dear India this is a Pakistani chaiwala’, didn’t miss its mark and clearly in the battle of the chaiwalas, erstwhile or present Arshad Khan’s looks win handsomely. But social media isn’t a place which lets an opportunity pass. So, inevitably pictures of Prime Minister Narendra Modi as the ‘chaiwala who stormed Pakistan recently’ soon made their way. The flipside, we are now being inundated with pictures of the ‘parking-wala’ and the ‘gate-wala’! https://twitter.com/yumtoyikes/status/788643374475640832 If the reaction in the Indian media was anything to go by, Arshad Khan may already be on his way to becoming the new Khan on the Bollywood block. He was front page on most news websites with his Frank Sinatra-esque ‘ol blue eyes’ very hard to miss, so much so that there have also been several opinion pieces on him. With his popularity bonding the frenemies, I don’t blame third parties for wondering if there has been a thaw between the two countries. ‘Was Arshad Khan considered as hot as the tea he served only because he was a poor fair and lovely man?’ ‘Was this the elitism of the social media users?’ roared news articles. I am not sure, that’s how I saw him because not all Bollywood superstars were born rich and neither do our supermodels all speak impeccable English. This boy has an old world Hollywood charm to him, but hopefully it wasn’t just trick photography. In the first photo, after the world discovered him, he seemed to be part of a very forgettable lifebuoy soap advertisement! https://twitter.com/Bhayankur/status/788666131565248512 https://twitter.com/MehrTarar/status/788804083239059456 In recent times, social media in India at least has led to an upsurge in neo-feminism, wherein everyone has an opinion and is outraged at everything and anything without giving any solutions. This nondescript handsome boy has probably tested their reserve. Many are questioning if the paeans sung about his gaze are not objectifying a person, then what is? In an age when Kangana Ranaut became an overnight feminist icon simply because she had a public personal spat with actor Hrithik Roshan, Arshad’s innocence may yet be exploited and his awkward uneducated stance could just make him a one picture hit. But with the shoe on the other foot now, there will always be questions on whether this is reverse sexism? Unless, as someone argued on Twitter, women have been assaulted and exploited for so long, that it probably justifies this ogling. I grew up listening to tales of the charming Imran Khan and his charisma that allegedly didn’t even spare Zeenat Aman, who was the top Bollywood actress in those days. But his time was different; Imran was already a cricket icon. Arshad Khan on the contrary has nothing going for him, except a picture. For now, he has said no to movies and that is good timing because Karan Johar and the rest of Bollywood can ill afford to even glance his way, let alone at those blue eyes! But the only constant about time, is that it always changes and fame, money can be a heady learning curve. If Arshad makes it despite all the scrutiny and temptations his rags to riches fairy tale may inspire awe equally, both sides of the border. Else, we will still remember him as the boy who defied our common blues, even if it was for a day.

The be all and end all of movies for some, while a bad joke masquerading as cinema for others, Bollywood is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. But yet, every single year, it manages to churn out films that are indisputably bad and 2016 was no different. So, in no particular order, let the bashing begin. 1) Fan: Rather watch a ceiling fan Fan is Shah Rukh Khan’s attempt to marry the only two characters he could act out, the wacky (Darr etc.) and the silly (Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa etc.), before he became the irritatingly tiresome Rahul and the tediously boring Raj. It’s a film that’s all about a fan’s pursuit of the star and then the star trying to hunt down the fan. I am still trying to wrap my head around how a common fan can become so adept at dangerous Parkour stunts and death-defying intercity chases. Not to mention, a superstar running after a common fan, who bizarrely turns out to have all the unlikely resources at his disposal. Strangely, no personal body guard or cops step up to take the responsibility. Talk about taking a huge leap of faith with cinematic liberties. If there is one thing I have learned over the time as an avid movie watcher, it’s not to have any high hopes from a film that has anything to do with SRK. With a tremendously promising concept, Fan could have been a whopping shot at redemption for SRK. Alas, the nauseous glorification of King Khan by the filmmakers in the most melodramatically Bollywood way possible made sure that never happened. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkS_Ar0Yad0 2) Ae Dil Hai Mushkil: Lather, rinse, repeat ad infinitum Oh c’mon, give me a break! But to be perfectly honest, was I expecting anything different? This is Karan ‘one trick pony’ Johar after all. But you know what, if the audience is willing to lap this mediocrity up, time and again, there is absolutely no need for K-Jo to change his done-to-death tune. Ae Dil Hai Mushkil (ADHM) traces the life of Ayan Sayengar (Ranbir Kapoor) in the most clichéd B-town manner. Revving it up with exotic locales, star-studded cameos and cringe-worthy melodrama , ADHM is predictably low on a captivating narrative. Karan Johar’s latest fare is simply a shoddy 2016 version of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. And KKHH was utterly wretched, if you ask me. Now, go figure. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_PODraXg4E 3) Housefull 3: Awful, painful, and anything but cheerful How is it even possible that you go watch a movie with zero expectations, but yet walk out of it feeling utterly let down. And that my friends, is precisely the kind of feat the third instalment of the Housefull series managed to pull off. Promoted as a rib-tickling screwball comedy, the only reaction Housefull 3 got out of yours truly was that of head-scratching. It surely must be a record of some sorts making a 145-minute long comedy where not a single joke lands. Housefull 3 is simply a joke of a film where the joke isn’t even funny. It is so unfunny that there should probably be a law against seeing it. The penalty: seeing it again. Oh and yes, in between all the failed attempts at humour, there is also this laughably ridiculous plot where you have got three greedy men who hope to get lucky in life by marrying wealthy women. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlZM9kuqw38 4) Madaari: A complete circus An intriguing premise? Check! Terrific actors? Check! A talented director? Check! But yet, Madaari turns out to be a major disappointment, and that too is an understatement. Madaari is a socio-political thriller where Irrfan Khan plays an archetypal ordinary citizen, Nirmal Kumar, who is on the receiving end of political corruption in the most personal of manners. This particular incident has a major impact on his life and upon concluding that enough is enough, Nirmal devises a vigilante-style plan to exact revenge. At best, Madaari is an occasionally riveting thriller which fails to create the required tension and suspense. At worst, it is an emotional-drama which is totally oblivious to the sense and sensibilities of the genre it is intending to work in. The script is contrived while the characters are underwritten. The length is also a major concern but Madaari’s biggest flaw is having a tone which is nauseatingly preachy. This is screenwriting 101: Every film has an underlying message – you just don’t shout it in your viewers’ faces. The movie is loud and frantic, but what it should have been is inspiring and moving. You forget about it the moment you step out of the theatre. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4s3JmLGLCA 5) 1920 London: The best comedy of the year! Sometimes laughter in the middle of a horror film is a sign of its epic-ness. I distinctly remember how I let out an extended nervous cackle while watching The Exorcist (1973). This exceedingly edgy laugh was simply the manifestation of my internal defence mechanism trying to come to grips with how freaked out I actually was watching the voice of satan coming out of a 12-year-old girl. But in the case of 1920 London, hilarity is simply a by-product of corny dialogues, sappy acting and an extremely mind-numbing convoluted plot. Lacking anything even remotely redeeming for the seasoned fright fan, the filmmaker resorts to cheap chill gimmicks in rocking chairs, haunted mansion, creaking doors and blood dripping from the ceiling to elicit shivers out of the audience, but the only reaction they got out of yours truly was that of cringe. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2FJlLkmIbs 6) Baaghi: Rebelling against reason, logic and common sense! Keeping in mind humankind’s proclivity for violence, it was no surprise that back in that decade even C-grade foreign action heroes like Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme were household names in our part of the third world. But that was regressive 90s at its best, and unfortunately for Baaghi, with its archaic sensibilities, we are currently living the relatively enlightened 2010s. A rehash of a Telugu film called Varsham (2004) and an Indonesian thriller, The Raid: Redemption (2011), the Tiger Shroff and Shraddha Kapoor starrer is a jaded love story muddled with martial arts mayhem. The movie has no story to tell, only action to showcase. With a plot as wafer-thin as this, I’d rather watch WWE with all its faux-drama, if I am looking for senseless action. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV-3avN3Oxc 7) Sanam Teri Kasam: Canam Teri Kacam Mawra (Hussain)Hocane, true to her pseudo-fied name, aptly but yet woefully plays an ‘insecure’ plain Jane librarian named Saraswati, aka Saru. The movie, for the record, is the cinematic equivalent of Chinese water torture, unbearably slow and perfectly capable of driving any normal person insane. Despite the archaic nature of Bollywood, I can arguably state that ‘Ms (Hussain)Hocane’s ‘Saru’ is one of the most miserable and tiresome female characters to come out of the industry in a long, long while. If there is any role I would expect the faux-anglicised named Mawra (Hussain)Hocane to have nailed, it would have been playing someone with a huge inferiority complex, but alas her real life experiences fail to help her on the silver screen. Ms self-pity’s naive, dorky act ends up seeming more nauseatingly annoying and loathsome than being endearing. Her character coupled with other major cinematic deficiencies makes Sanam Teri Kasam one of the worst that Bollywood had to offer during 2016. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IpBoMWRjm8 8) Mohenjo Daro: A tale best left in the ruins It’s such a shame, when you watch a potential cinematic masterpiece with so much time, effort and energy – not to mention the colossal budget- invested – only for it to turn into a monumental waste. Named after one of the largest settlements in the ancient Indus Valley Civilisation, Hrithik Roshan starrer Mohenjo Daro – an archaic love story cum revenge drama – borrows heavily from hugely popular historical flicks, but fails to replicate even a fraction of what the originals managed in terms of viewers’ experience. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61efv06hIoE 9) Ki & Ka: Kyoon?!? Ever found yourself involved in a heated debate where the arguer is trying to prove his point by being obnoxiously loud, regurgitating the same information over and over again and, worst of all, diluting his own case due to a total lack of subject comprehension by providing supporting arguments that totally fly in the face of what he is arguing for. This is precisely how I felt watching Ki & Ka, where Cheeni Kum (2007) famed director R Balki completely soured an intriguing premise of gender role reversal by a mishmash of a screenplay. Ki & Ka pretends to be avant-garde with its commentary on gender stereotyping, but what it does not realise is that it requires a certain level of maturity to deal with this sort of subject, which it clearly lacks. The movie might even have a good message at the end of it all but to screamingly preach it right in our faces starts reinforcing the very stereotypes it set out to negate. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2fxtycjf_I 10) Kya Kool Hain Hum 3: Cringe 1-0 cool Touted as India’s first ever ‘Porn-Com’, Kya Kool Hain Hum 3 should have rather been labelled as a worn-com – a comedy that has the potential to wear out the viewers in record time. Speaking of which, I don’t even think the filmmakers were trying to be funny. How else can you explain sleaze and vulgarity being masqueraded as comedy. The first instalment was fun because it had this anti-prude freshness to it, but since then, the franchise has become boring, offensive and just downright disgusting. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnBGF6PhNEo [poll id="715"]

There is no doubt about Karan Johar’s immense talent. He sees Bollywood from a unique eye that captures its essence as well as its soul – what he creates on the big screen is nothing short of magical. In a gargantuan $4.5 billion industry like Bollywood, Johar and Dharma alone stand at $200 million. Johar combines the idyllic with the marketable. He is truly a dream merchant – whether it is when Shah Rukh Khan runs towards Kajol in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai or Deepika Padukone and Ranbir Kapoor dance at a wedding –Johar has a unique eye and an irreplaceable ethos that truly and most fittingly describes the indescribable industry of Bollywood. In the recent past, however, Johar’s battle with the bhakts (Indian nationalists) and his unspoken expression of his sexuality have garnered him enough negative attention that is also part and parcel of Bollywood. He was pressured endlessly for chopping out Fawad Khan’s scenes in Ae Dil Hai Mushkil (there were even reports of changing the storyline completely to suit the patriots), he is also often hated on mercilessly on social media by misogynist trolls with slurs calling him gay, transgender and, perhaps the worst insult known to misogynist trolls: effeminate. Johar has always seemed poised under pressure, graceful under attack and beautifully eloquent about such instances. However, when it comes to Kangana Ranaut, Johar is out of his depth. Ranaut’s story could not possibly be more different than Johar’s. And perhaps, if I may be so bold as to say, Ranaut’s true life story is more magical than all of Johar’s films combined. Here was a girl from a small town in Himachal Pradesh, who left her family and her home to pursue a dream. She, quite literally in most Dickensian fashion, has lived on bread and pickles, paid her dues, worked hard and succeeded despite all odds. She was type casted, she was hated, she was laughed at, she was mocked, and she was rejected. Yet she stood to her ground, unwavering. She became the critics’ darling and was awarded the National Award thrice; in her famous hit, Queen, the rest of the world fell irrevocably in love with her too. Her star soared. And she only made herself better from then onwards. From her fashion sense and her English to learning her craft even more, Ranaut kept on reinventing herself. She was shamed in the media because of her personal life, she was rejected by media moguls like Johar himself. But she persisted. She stayed. And like a true modern day heroine, after all that happened, she slayed. Their paths crossed because Ranaut was on her way up to stardom and Johar was the embodiment of the many obstacles that she had to come to terms with. Johar, in his own words, accepted to the rejection that he frankly put before her. He had written her off. Much like he had written Anushka Sharma off when Yash Raj had signed her. Sharma minced words and took Johar’s dismissal with a smile. Ranaut took no prisoners. Johar is as privileged as Bollywood starlets come. Shahrukh Khan and Kareena Kapoor are his best friends. His dad already had a strong repute in the film industry that was given to him in a platter – as compared to Ranaut, who had to make it on her own completely. Johar was rich, successful and protected – the maximum amount of trolling he faced was on Twitter and by the bhakts for casting Fawad Khan, about which he has gone on to speak at considerable lengths. If he doesn’t find that problematic, why does he find Ranaut’s rant problematic? Why ask Ranaut to leave the industry if she decided to aim at Johar? Would he like it if someone else told him the same thing, post Ae Dil Hai Mushkil? If someone else told him about the constant harassment he faces for his sexual preferences, would he like it if someone asked him to shut up or stay quiet if he didn’t like the harassment? It is also sad that whenever big stars and men of privilege encounter an opinionated woman who speaks up about the way she was (unfairly) treated, they immediately resort to telling them ‘not to use the woman card’. Johar was recently quoted in saying she was playing the ‘victim’ and he was ‘tired of it’ and if the industry is so bad, she ought to ‘leave it’. The story is all-too-familiar. Whether it is Amber Heard fighting a domestic violence case against ‘beloved’ star Johnny Depp or Kesha fighting a harassment case against Dr Luke, somehow or the other, modern media finds a way to blame the woman. Add a man of privilege adding to this narrative, it reeks of hypocrisy and misogyny. In an industry dominated by families and cliques, Ranaut stood out and proved everyone wrong. If Johar is as true to his craft as he says he is, if he is as sincere to newcomers (which he claims Dharma is) as he says he is, he should have taken Ranaut’s life and her comments in Koffee with Karan as a lesson. Instead, disappointing many fans such as myself who have always loved his movies, his banter and his ability to take criticism with a laugh, his snide remarks about Ranaut proved that Johar’s the good of Bollywood – as well as the bad and the ugly. In befitting fashion, Ranaut took to Mumbai Mirror to respond. Her interview said everything that was on the mind of many people who supported her. She replied in her classic forthright manner, and what a reply it was! It only made people like me love her more. She acknowledged her privilege (which Mr Johar conveniently ignored to do about his own position in Bollywood) and rejected the claim that she was a victim. She went on to talk about how she had worked hard and achieved many goals and did it on her own terms. She also clarified to Johar what the ‘woman card’ actually meant. Her interview was to the point. It was no holds barred. Ranaut addressed every flippant allegation that Johar had sent her way with aplomb and logic. We don’t know if Johar will respond in kind but if I were Johar, I’d just let Ranaut win this one. Because with the kind of voice that she commands and the kind of respect that she has garnered by her own hard work and determination is not something that can be ignored or subjugated at all.

“The ‘woman card’ might not help you become a Wimbledon champ, or win you Olympic medals, or bag National awards. It might not even land you a job, but it can get a pregnant woman, who feels her water is about to break, a ‘ladies’ seat on a crowded bus. It can be used as a cry for help when you sense a threat. The same goes for the ‘victim card’, which women like my sister, Rangoli, who is a victim of an acid attack, can use while fighting for justice in court.”